The Definitions of IT Implementation

Today, I had some eagerly awaited IT training. We have been awaiting the arrival of this kit for about 18 months and it is due to roll out next week.

The conversation with the trainer went like this:

“We are here to train you on the new tech.”
“Oh great, how long will it take?”
“About half an hour.”

The first 40 minutes of that half an hour were spent trying to get the tech to work. This involved a number of re-boots and “switch off – switch on” attempts but nothing would persuade either of the specimen devices to work properly.

The poor trainer spent that 40 minutes telling us what the device should do whilst we asked questions which had him frantically writing things down and saying “I thought all that had been sorted.”

At the conclusion of the session I was left handing back what seemed to me to be an entirely useless piece of technology which would only work in the right conditions and if the wind was blowing in the right direction.

This prompted me into a bit of a Twitter rant during a refs break.

I replicate the tweets here for future posterity.

They are not specifically police related. I believe they are universal.

I proudly present

The Definitions of IT Implementation

IT implementation – where you wait 18 months for a device to roll out and it still isn’t working the week before it does.

IT implementation (2) – where the product being installed onto your system has a number like 2003 on it when it’s 2013

IT training – where excited trainers tell you all about what the device CAN do but can’t demonstrate it because it won’t work.

IT roll out – where senior people use the word “teething problems” a lot.

IT evaluation – where six months down the line, important people start an enquiry into why staff aren’t using it.

IT improvement – where contractors and purchasers enter into litigation over what was specified in the requirements and what was delivered.

IT revolution – literally watching an hourglass spin round for hours on end because “the servers can’t cope.”

IT irony – when you realise that what you have just bought yourself is actually better than what they are giving you at work.

IT facepalm – when you realise that your phone is actually more useful than what they are giving you at work.

IT security – when it takes longer to log into a device than it takes to use it for the purpose for which you are logging in.

IT confusion – when you hear one force is trying something good but are told you can’t have it because of various unresolvable issues.

IT justification – when someone says “but this product is from the States” or “is successfully used by companies all over the world.”

IT denial – where the implementing department insist that “this is just something staff are going to have to get used to.”

IT innovation – developing workarounds for utterly foreseeable eventualities and requirements that the IT just can’t do.

IT efficiency – where the process of recording something onto the system takes longer than it did on the old system.

IT overload – where managers rue the day when they gave up on letting people bring forms for them to sign.

IT measure of success – when its a better management tool than it is a front line tool.

IT increased functionality – increased loading times

IT support – “thank you for calling, all our operators are busy, please hold the line”

IT support (2) – “have you tried turning it off and back on again?”

IT evangelism –
“I need it to do ‘this'”
“Ah – it doesn’t do that – but it does THIS!”
“But I don’t need it to do that.”

IT Luddites (as defined by the implementation team) – anyone who says “we preferred the paper system”

IT schadenfreude – following announcement by Implementation Team 6 months later which says “we are reverting to the old paper system”

IT mobile data reality – “has anyone seen / does anyone know where the X device is?”

IT Mobile Data – member of staff’s own personal smartphone. Aka BYOD (Bring Your Own Device)

IT unforeseen overheads – repair bills for damage caused to “indestructible” tech supplied to police officers

IT temporal distortion – time lapse before managers realise staff were right and the IT is as much use as a chocolate tea pot – approx 4yrs
Otherwise known as the “Road to Damascus” moment.

IT revolution (2) – where after four years someone decides the “new” device is not fit for purpose and starts the process again

IT promise – “this will revolutionise the way we work. Free up time and allow people to maximise their time and potential.”

IT reality – it doesn’t.

Does this ring any bells with anyone?


4 responses to “The Definitions of IT Implementation”

  1. Dave Coburn says :

    Oh shutup and stop whining. You get what you pay for with little IT funding.

  2. Phil Shelton says :

    On behalf of Leicestershire Police, I.T. Communications dept (not IT!) we thought this was both hilarious and very very TRUE.

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